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| Mom and me at my wedding rehearsal, September 3, 2010. |
I have had a lot going on lately, and I've learned that nothing is as fun or exciting as it used to be now that my mom isn't here to hear about it and share it with.
I know I’m feeling
sorry for myself. It’s been 2 months, 2 days, 8 hours, 39 minutes and 22
seconds since my mom took her last breath, and I think my brain is still
keeping an inventory of everything I need to tell her. For the most part, I’ve
stopped having the impulse to call or text her, and when it does still happen,
the pain isn’t quite as sharp. I haven’t had a panic attack in several weeks,
and I haven’t had a meltdown in a couple of weeks. I don’t cry every day
anymore. I’m functioning pretty “normally” for the most part. I get up at a
decent time, go to the gym, play with the dog, look for jobs, write, talk to
friends, go to the grocery store, cook dinner, etc.
But I am so, so lonely.
And I’m not lonely because of a lack of people
but because of a lack of one person who was such a huge part of my life and who
I am. How am I even supposed to react to things when I don’t have her to
consult?
I’m still figuring it
out.
In the past two weeks,
I have found out that two of my favorite people in the world are getting
married and that a dear old friend is pregnant. I went to a concert and got to meet my favorite band! I scheduled a job
interview. I witnessed a 14 year old boy suffering from heat exhaustion and not
know who or where he was and be rushed to the hospital by paramedics.
None of it seems half
as exciting as it probably would have just a few months ago.
My job interview is a
week from today, and I am hopeful that means my job hunt will soon be coming to
an end. Not that job hunting isn’t a huge thrill…
I’ve been making a lot
of phone calls trying to get everything organized for Kassie’s wedding in October.
She is so busy, and I know what it is like to be planning a wedding while being
crazy busy, so I’m trying to help as much as I can, and so far we are getting
along great! I didn’t know if it would be possible for two sisters to work on a
wedding and not have a huge fight, but so far, so good.
I’ve also been
exercising a lot. I’ve lost 6 pounds and 1% body fat. I’ve been doing cardio
and weight training at the gym that mom went to. Mom had purchased 8 personal
training sessions that she never got to use, and the manager at the gym was
nice enough to let me use them, so that has been incredibly beneficial to me. I’ve
also made some friends at the gym – some of them knew my mom, and some of them
heard about her. It seems like everywhere I go, someone has heard of mom. At
first, I actually found it to be really overwhelming. I couldn’t go to the
grocery store without being stopped by someone wondering if I was Kristie’s daughter,
and wondering how we were all doing. But now I am so touched by it. My mom
touched so many lives. Sometimes I wonder if she even had a clue how much of an
impact she had.
Thanks for reading my
rather fractured blog post today. I just knew I needed to get back into
writing, so I didn’t really plan this one out at all. It was more of a
stream-of-consciousness than a planned essay or observation.
I’m going to close with
the lyrics of the chorus of a song I heard for the first time at the Avett
Brothers concert on Tuesday. The song is called The Once and Future Carpenter.
Forever I will move
like the world that turns beneath me
And when I lose my
direction
I’ll look up to the sky
And when the black
cloak drags upon the ground
I’ll be ready to surrender
And remember –
Well, we’re all in this
together.
If I live the life I’m
given, I won’t be scared to die.
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| My friend Lindsey and I were lucky enough to meet the Avett Brothers on Tuesday at their show in Council Bluffs! It was a thrill! |
