Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Mom and me while getting ready before my wedding.
September 4, 2010.

It’s been a year since I kissed you goodbye. So much has happened and changed since you left, and I think you’d be so proud of all of us.

I have said a few times that I miss you the most on bad days. I think I say that because you always had a way of helping me regain perspective; it’s never the end of the world, meltdowns are often avoidable, and pity parties are overrated.

The truth is that I think I actually miss you the most on the really good days. I have only had a few truly great, smiling from ear-to-ear days since you've been gone, but God, I miss how exciting those days would have been to you. You loved good days. Dad, Kassie and I have always thought the motto “If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy” to be a lot funnier than it’s actually meant to be, simply because of how completely, one-hundred-percent true it always was. If you were unhappy, stressed, angry, or upset – it was hard to be happy. If it was our fault that you were angry or upset, we’d tiptoe around to try to keep from making it worse. If it was an outside force, we’d try to cheer you up. But the phrase can also be inverted, because when you were happy it was contagious. If you were proud of us, we beamed. If you had fun at a party, chances were that there were many smiling faces around you.

I've fought a lot of battles with myself this year, and I haven’t won all of them. It has been very, very hard, and there were a few days when it wasn't worth it to get out of bed. How was I supposed to function without all the texts, emails, and phone calls we once shared? How was I supposed to go to the mall to buy shoes when the shadows of all of our fun shopping trips were there to remind me of how alone I was? What was the point in writing anything or making anything when you weren't there to tell me how great or creative you thought I was?

How was I supposed to find the strength I needed – the strength you’d told me I had – without you there to remind me how to find it? No one understood me the way you did. And no one ever will.

Thanks to hours of therapy and reflection, I feel like you’re not completely gone anymore. You’re not physically here, and it is a struggle for me every day to cope with that, but I've started to feel you in my gut.

I say “gut” and not “heart” because my heart is weak and not to be trusted. It is broken and wounded, and so I treat it very gently but don’t listen to it very often these days. My gut, however, is where you are. It is where my strength and fortitude live. When my heart tells me that I’ll never be whole again, and that I can’t take any more pain, my gut roars through my veins, “Pity parties are over-rated!” My gut reminds me what you’d say to me, and encourages me to move forward through the pain.

I used to become inconsolable when I tried to think about what you’d say or do in a situation. It wasn’t fair that you weren't here to tell me yourself. I cursed God, the universe, and every doctor and scientist who ever lived. But now that some time has passed, and, as I hesitantly admit, I’ve gained some distance from that awful night, I rely on your voice. You've talked me through some really rough nights, and helped me regain perspective when it’s been lost.

I know, because of who I am and who you were, that I will always miss you. I’ll always wish I could text you when I’m having a bad day or have lunch or go shopping. But I also know I couldn't have gotten through this year if you hadn't been the wonderful mother you were.

I love you. Always.

A Year Ago: A Grateful Friend

I love to travel.

I like to head off in a direction with less than an entire plan and just go for it.

For some reason, this doesn't trigger my anxiety. It does the opposite, in fact; it makes me feel strong and independent and important.

A year ago I went on a trip to England and Scotland by myself.

It was a gift from my husband who isn't too big on traveling. He gave me his bonus money from work and told me to go wherever I wanted.

I chose England, because when I’d gone there a few years ago, I’d only spent a day in London and a day in the English countryside, which was all traveling. Two friends of mine were living in London at the time, so I figured I could see the sights with them, as well as have a place to stay.

I met Jessica and Kate when I was a student at UNL. Kate was an international student from Australia who lived in my dorm during my second year at UNL, and Jessica was someone I clicked with in one of my favorite classes at the University. Kate is a teacher, living in London, and Jessica was in grad school at University College-London.

Before I left Nebraska, I was on the fence about going on my trip, because my mom wasn't doing very well.  She told me I should definitely go, because if anything happened, which it probably wouldn't, I could change my flight and get back in less than a day. I really wasn't sure what to do, but in the end, I listened to my mom, and I went.

Me and Kate right after I arrived in London.

Me and Kate, with Stonehenge in the background!

Stonehenge

When I got there, it was so good to spend time with Kate, who I hadn't seen in over a year, and go shopping, see movies, and take a day trip out to Bath and Stonehenge. I took a trip from London to Edinburgh, and explored that city, as well as part of the Scottish Highlands for two days. I stayed in a hostel with six Swedish boys who stayed up until 4am both nights, drinking beer and playing Beatles songs on the guitar. I walked eleven miles in one day and barely noticed. I met a Russian girl named Olga who was working as a nanny in Paris and taking a trip through Scotland, Ireland, and Wales by herself while the family was on holiday.

View of Edinburgh from the top of Edinburgh Castle

After I got back from Scotland, I stayed with Jessica. I met some of her classmates and friends, and we watched Kill Bill and planned a day trip to Brighton (or Bristol? I've forgotten!) with Kate. The next night, walking back from the tube station, I got a text from my dad that he needed me to call him when I could.

I was in the middle of the street, not far from where Jude Law and Hugh Laurie allegedly lived. My stomach dropped, and I began to sweat, despite the chill in the air. I dialed his number without even explaining to Jessica what was going on.

My dad answered and said I should call him back once I was back at Jessica’s and not on the street, and I told him I couldn't wait.

I don’t remember the rest of the conversation. I remember feeling sick and I remember crying. I remember calling Kate who lived pretty far from Jessica’s place, and asking her to come over. It was after midnight, so she couldn't take the tube. She ended up taking an expensive cab ride over.

They both sat with me while I packed and made plans to leave London. Max called the airline and got them to change my flight.

They waived all the fees.

My memory of that night is blurry. I think Jessica and Kate both napped in Jessica’s tiny dorm room while I racked up a $282 phone bill crying and listening to my mom tell me, in a sleepy voice, all the things she was sad she was going to miss in my life. She said she was sad, but she wasn't frightened, and she wasn't angry.

Just before 6am, I woke Kate and Jessica up, telling them I was going to head for the tube. They both came with me (and took turns carrying my insanely, stupidly heavy duffel), and during that hour-long commute to Heathrow, I took a photo of my two friends that I will always treasure:

Kate and Jessica on the tube, the morning I left London

It is probably not be the most flattering picture ever taken of either of them. But on that horrible, awful morning when it felt like my entire life was coming apart at the edges, I felt so completely supported and cared for. I wasn't alone.

I’m not going to say that I've never felt alone over the past year, but looking back, especially in moments like the ones I captured in that photograph, I know I never was alone. I've been completely surrounded on all sides by the compassion and strength of friends, family, and even complete strangers.

I've never been more grateful for anything in my life.

Focus and Simplicity

My natural state of being is that of a “dabbler.” I am an expert on the basics of many, many activities, hobbies, pastimes, subjects, and theories. I think this is due to my love of learning and creating and that I either haven’t found “my thing” yet, or that I passed it by ages ago in a flurry of activity and was too busy to notice. When my peers were deciding what they wanted to be when they grew up, or at least on college majors and classes, I usually closed my eyes, spun around in circles, and if the direction I saw when I opened my eyes seemed interesting, I went for it.

That’s pretty much how I live my day-to-day existence –I go to work, come home, take care of those daily tasks that need taken care of, and then the evening is mine to create whatever I want to create. Then I take lots of pictures and post them on Instagram for people to say “oh my, you are so creative! You’re so talented!”

The reason the above quote by Steve Jobs has resonated so strongly with me is that all this dabbling has largely been a coping mechanism for me over the past decade – being directionless is actually kind of terrifying. And adding to the terror, halfway through the last decade, the one person who always believed I would find my direction and own it wholly, got sick. And then she became my direction, and I continued my furious habit of doing a million things a day without actually accomplishing anything just to keep busy. And now she’s gone, and I’m busier than ever, but now I feel like it is all lacking something very important.

Direction.

Purpose.

Focus.

How can I know what to focus on, when I don’t even have a clear direction or purpose? When I look into the future, I see a bright, hazy picture of decades to come, fighting with myself over who I am and who I want to be.

I am not the biggest Steve Jobs fan. Word on the street is that he was kind of a douchebag. But I do know that he accomplished big, big things, and I think that he must have known a thing or two about focus and moving mountains.

To live a focused, simpler life where all of the day-to-day “stuff” doesn’t cloud my vision – to live deliberately, not just greeting things and people as they approach, is my goal. I don’t know where my mountain is yet, or what it looks like, but I like to think that once I find it, I’ll be able to grit my teeth, and move it pretty far. And being the plugged-in extrovert I am, you will all probably know all about it.

Lucky you.

Love.

Eulogy for a Long-Lived Cat

A family says goodbye to a beloved pet when they feel the time of death is near. I have tearfully said goodbye to Pete approximately 18 times. I really believe that one of his favorite pastimes was playing “Ding-Dong Ditch” with Death.

Born into the Flood of 1993, he immediately became separated from whatever home he’d been born into, and as a stray, was adopted by a woman who had a love of Siamese cats, but felt bad for the homeless kitten. However, after a few short weeks of terror at the claws and teeth of this unruly barn cat, the purebreds were at their wits ends, and the woman began a search for a new home for the wild mongrel she’d named Pizza Boy, and we were so happy to have him.

An irreplaceable replacement cat after the unfortunate death of the perfectly docile, white fluff ball, Flo, Pete was far from perfect. He was a wild beast who prowled the flowerbeds and bit children (who were usually trying to force him into doll dresses). He killed rabbits and strewn their intestines between three different neighbors’ yards. He wouldn’t sleep with us at night. Instead, he would terrorize us by running through the halls while we were sleeping, batting at the light switches and turning lights on and off as he pleased. He could turn door knobs and would bat at your feet under a closed door if you dared to shut him out.

If you did not feed him first thing in the morning, he might bite at your stocking feet as you sleepily trudged past the pantry. If you were having trouble sleeping, he would begin to mewl at the top of his cat lungs just as you’d finally drifted off.

He was aggressive and had many face-offs through screens and windows until Mom would go outside and throw ice at the other cat to make them leave. Pete was always triumphant.

Except for when he wasn’t.

Pete learned to stalk baby birds who couldn’t fly very well, and faced the wrath of a pair of newly-childless Blue Jays who dive-bombed him with frightening coordination and teamwork. This attack and the impending infection nearly killed him.

Despite being such a terror, he really was the best cat for us. He was fun and kitten-like long past being dubbed “geriatric” by the vet. I have so many memories of using him as a pillow as he slept in the sunshine and I read or napped. Christmas morning was always extra entertaining due to his wrapping paper-induced euphoria. He performed acrobatics that would impress any member of Cirque de Soleil for a chance at catching a dangling shoelace or thread. He could purr so loudly that you could hear it in the next room with the door closed.

A few years ago, our vet informed us that Pete’s kidneys were beginning to fail. He began drinking copious amounts of water. I came home from college to say goodbye to him, but other than extreme thirst, he was still his playful self – just a little slower and sleepier.

About two years ago, we believe he had a stroke. He began having balance problems, and it became apparent that he was blind in at least one of his eyes. His appetite began to decline, and we all knew it was the end.

But it wasn’t the end yet. As my mom’s illness progressed, he never left her side. He always wanted to be on her lap, and I wished over and over that he would make it a few more months.

After my mom passed away, I really believe he knew she was gone and missed her. I would find him on her side of the bed when that had never been a popular Pete hangout before. Sometimes, when I got home, he’d come running stiffly to the door, only to take a look at me, as if saying “oh, it’s just you,” and head back to whatever chair he’d been sleeping on.

Two mornings ago, I came downstairs to find that he was very, very ill. For the past few months, he had been losing weight and sleeping more and more, but this was different. I could tell he was miserable, and when I picked him up to put him in his bed, I could feel his insides through the fatless, tissue-thin layer of skin on his belly. He looked up at me, and our eyes met, and I knew it was time.

When we took him to the veterinarian’s office, I was not as sad as I expected to be. I really felt like we owed this amazing pet, friend, and family member some dignity and peace. After the vet gave him the first injection, he began to relax immediately, and soon was lying on his side, looking just like he used to when he’d lie for hours in the sunlight. I kissed him and wished him sweet dreams, and my dad said he was in Kitty Heaven, chasing the birds and squirrels unlucky enough to end up in Bird and Squirrel Hell. I think he is sitting on my mom’s lap, purring loudly and happily as she scratches his ears. No more suffering – only peace.

Pete at Christmas two years ago

My Birthday

Today is my birthday.

I've been dreading it for weeks because I knew I wouldn't receive a phone call or gift from my mom. I knew we wouldn't go shopping together over the weekend or have margaritas or watch Mama Mia together. I knew she wouldn't be able to tell me that she was so happy to have me (and my sister) in her life.

I didn't really want a birthday if I couldn't have those things.

So, at first I tried to avoid my birthday. I told some of my friends not to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't talk to anyone about plans or gifts or fun things to do. I had the perfect cover – Halloween!

I met with my doctor on Monday for a follow-up visit about some medication and my anxiety attacks. I told her that I thought my anxiety was decreasing until the past few days as I was getting ready for my first birthday without my mom. She said that was normal, and that I should realize that the firsts are going to be the hardest. Of course, I know that, and I am dreading the holidays more than I've ever dreaded anything, but I really wasn't expecting my birthday to throw me for such a loop. I learned many years ago that birthdays were a lot like being single on Valentine’s Day – it’s just not that big of a deal to anyone else. I just don’t tend to have many expectations regarding my birthday.

Well, except for my mom to call me and sing Happy Birthday and tell me she loves me.

In a surprise turn of events, I actually had a pretty good day. My employer hosted a volunteer event at Harvester’s, so about twenty of my coworkers and I spent a couple of hours this morning sorting and repackaging food instead of entering data on our computers or answering phones. Hard work in the service of others is cleansing to the mind and spirit.

Then, since it was the official last day for some of the seasonal workers, we had a pizza party (yes, I recognize and acknowledge the irony here) and were able to talk and laugh and socialize in a way that’s not usually possible when you’re working.

Then, I was extremely touched to receive a birthday card from my coworkers. I didn't even know they knew it was my birthday! I felt really appreciated and happy to be there.

About twenty minutes later, a water main broke near our building, and we were told to go home because the water and air-conditioning were shut off, so the building was getting pretty warm, and you’re never thirstier or need to pee more than when there’s no water available.

As I was packing up my things and saying goodbye to some of the temps, a man arrived with flowers! For me! They were beautiful purple daisies and included a card from my sister, her husband, my husband, my dad, and all of our pets. I've never received flowers at work before, and it really is one of those times in life when you want to say to all of the other cube-dwellers, “yep, I just got flowers, people! Take that!”

Despite my good day and positive mood, when I got home, I did something that some of you might see as masochistic or even reckless. And I’m not sure I’d disagree.

I listened to the voicemail my mom left me last year on my birthday. It begins with her singing “Happy Birthday” to me, telling me she loves me, that she hoped I’d had a good day, and that she and my dad would just be hanging out at home, waiting for trick-or-treaters, so I should call her when I had time.

Hearing her voice was amazing. It was startling and disorienting, and at first I couldn't breathe. Then it was comfortable, like being home again after you've been away for a long time.

I listened to it about six or seven times, lying in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin and my dog’s head on my shoulder. I cried some, but I mostly listened. Again, and again, and again, and again.

Twice, I allowed myself to indulge in a deliberate delusion: that it was a message from this year, and that I was going to call her back in a few minutes and talk about my day.

After setting my phone aside, I fell asleep for two hours. When I woke up, I was disoriented and exhausted, my eyes still swollen from crying. I remembered listening to the voicemail and almost listened to it again, but decided I should get up and take the dog out before trick-or-treaters began arriving.

I was alone in the house, and I felt the loneliness sharply. It’s a really frustrating kind of loneliness, because I know I’m not alone. I know there are people thinking of me and supporting me all the time, but when this loneliness creeps up, it doesn't matter. The emptiness echoes inside me, bouncing off my bones, and causing my joints to ache with grief.

I picked up my phone as I grabbed the dog’s leash, and was stunned. In the past two hours I’d had five missed calls, four voicemails, and twelve text messages. They were all birthday wishes! And nearly all of them mentioned that they were thinking about me!

All the texts, calls, and messages don’t really make it any easier that I’m not getting a call from my mom today, but they are an answer to the loneliness, because even if it’s only temporarily, it has, as of now, mostly eased.

As I’m writing this, it’s nearly 8:30pm, but I'm feeling pretty positive about today, because I think sometimes, especially lately, when things seem so hopeless and empty, these reminders that I haven’t been forgotten and that not everyone has grown tired of me really reach inside me and soothe those aches of loss.

Thank you. 

Kassie and I dressed as Dorothy and Glinda
 for Halloween/our birthdays circa
1990 in costumes our mom made for us.

The Importance of Grieving Openly

I saw The Importance of Grieving Openly on Hello Giggles today. I tend to head over to HG when I need a break at work, or some inspiration for my nail art (yes, nail art). I don't know Becca Rose, the author, but I felt a connection to her today when I read her article.

When my mom died, I felt like it was ok to fall apart. So I did. But after a few weeks and months, I felt like I needed to "get it together" and "stop worrying people." So I tried. But it didn't work.

Something that Becca says in her article is that some of her friendships dwindled while she was going through her grief, but that she had to make the right decision for herself in dealing with her sadness.

...I made a decision that I couldn't afford to put a happy face on tragedy, and so I became brutally honest with myself and others. The friends I had, who stayed through that became my support system. In being honest with them, I felt like I had a net to fall back on. I wasn't alone in my grief, and that alone helped me so much. Those friendships became so much stronger because of what I went through.

This probably hit home the hardest for me. I wouldn't call what I've been going through "sadness" or even purely "grief" -- I feel that my grief over losing mom was a catalyst for the worst major depression and anxiety I've ever experienced in my life, and I've been so worried about worrying other people that I haven't been honest about how difficult it's been.

I feel a gap widening between some of my friends and me, probably due at least in part to not being forthcoming about my state of mind. But the truth of the matter is that I am juggling a lot, and maybe the friends who realize that will return after I've had some time to heal.

There are  friends who have checked on me every day and know -- and have known, before I was even ready to say it -- what I'm going through. I used to feel guilty about the burden I was placing on their shoulders. After all, my emotional problems are not their problems.

But maybe they are, after all? Simply knowing that I can text or call these friends anytime and they would drop everything they were doing to come be by my side is a security I can't describe. It's actually right in line with family, and I'm so grateful and so blessed to have both family and friends to lean on.

I've been doing a lot of putting myself in others' shoes lately, and I know that if a friend of mine needed my support, I would do whatever I could to help and support them. So, I think it's probably time to accept the help, welcome the support, and be real with everyone who cares about me that I haven't been well at all.

I have a plan that I put together with my doctor and therapist that perhaps I'll explain at another time, but I think the main bit of good news I'll leave you with is that a lot of the time, there's a tiny ray of optimism poking through my despair -- and I hope one of these days I'll have the energy and focus to reach some of my goals and dreams. I'll keep you posted.

My dad, sister, her husband, me, and Max on my sister's wedding day, October 13, 2012.

An Exchange

I want you to think about the last 6 months. Think about everything that has happened since you decided to come home early from England in April.

Don’t think of the individual events, think of everything at once. Let everything flash before your eyes.

It’s a lot for a person to deal with, right? Has your heart rate increased? Do you feel overwhelmed just thinking about it?

Yes.

Now, have you had anyone tell you they think you are strong, or that they think you’ve been through a lot?

Yes.

Do you believe them?

No.

You don’t think you’ve been strong or brave?

No.

Why not?

Because I cry every day. I keep gaining weight. I can’t pay attention at work. I can’t finish anything. I have to take medication just to function. I don’t take my dog for walks. I don’t have a real job. I’m so, so lonely. I’m losing my mind. I have no control. I just wish I could sleep for a really long time.

Switch places with a friend, any friend. Imagine you have their life and they have yours. Just think for a few minutes about everything your friend has been through, including her reactions and how she’s carried herself. Think about the talks you've had and how you wished you could help her. Don’t say anything, just run it through your mind – everything your friend has been through in the past six months.

10 minutes later

Why are you crying?

Because no one should have to deal with this.

That’s true, no one should. What do you think of your friend?

I think I feel so, so sorry for her.

That isn't what I asked. What do you think of her?

Long pause.

I think she’s doing what she can to get by. I think she’s in survival mode.

Do you think she is strong? Strong enough to survive and eventually come out of survival mode?

Long pause.

Yes.