My natural state of
being is that of a “dabbler.” I am an expert on the basics of many, many
activities, hobbies, pastimes, subjects, and theories. I think this is due to
my love of learning and creating and that I either haven’t found “my thing”
yet, or that I passed it by ages ago in a flurry of activity and was too busy
to notice. When my peers were deciding what they wanted to be when they grew
up, or at least on college majors and classes, I usually closed my eyes, spun
around in circles, and if the direction I saw when I opened my eyes seemed
interesting, I went for it.
That’s pretty much how
I live my day-to-day existence –I go to work, come home, take care of those
daily tasks that need taken care of, and then the evening is mine to create
whatever I want to create. Then I take lots of pictures and post them on Instagram
for people to say “oh my, you are so creative! You’re so talented!”
The reason the above
quote by Steve Jobs has resonated so strongly with me is that all this dabbling
has largely been a coping mechanism for me over the past decade – being
directionless is actually kind of terrifying. And adding to the terror, halfway
through the last decade, the one person who always believed I would find my
direction and own it wholly, got sick. And then she became my direction, and I
continued my furious habit of doing a million things a day without actually
accomplishing anything just to keep busy. And now she’s gone, and I’m busier
than ever, but now I feel like it is all lacking something very important.
Direction.
Purpose.
Focus.
How can I know what to focus on, when I don’t even have a clear direction or purpose? When I look into the future, I see a bright, hazy picture of decades to come, fighting with myself over who I am and who I want to be.
I am not the biggest Steve Jobs fan. Word on the street is that he was kind of a douchebag. But I do know that he accomplished big, big things, and I think that he must have known a thing or two about focus and moving mountains.
To live a focused, simpler life where all of the day-to-day “stuff” doesn’t cloud my vision – to live deliberately, not just greeting things and people as they approach, is my goal. I don’t know where my mountain is yet, or what it looks like, but I like to think that once I find it, I’ll be able to grit my teeth, and move it pretty far. And being the plugged-in extrovert I am, you will all probably know all about it.
Lucky you.
Love.
