Ok Today

Dad, Kassie, Mom and me at the church Kassie worked at in Springfield, MO.

There is a song by Ingrid Michaelson called “Be Ok” that I actually found pretty obnoxious until recently. Suddenly, I can relate:

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today

It is a plea. The catchy, upbeat melody disguises it so that maybe it doesn’t sound very dire or desperate, but the words are definitely desperate. I just want to be ok—Not “good” or “great,” but just “ok.”

For a long time, I’ve wanted to be ok. I don’t dare ask for more than that. “Ok” would be such a relief.

It is hard to believe that I’m typing this, especially after the past two entries, but today, I was ok.

Not good.

But, not bad, either.

I missed her a lot today, but I didn’t cry. I didn’t meltdown. I didn’t panic. I didn’t throw anything.

I applied for jobs, went to the gym, ran some errands, spent time with Murphy, and relaxed with Kassie’s best friend, Mary. I’m about to make a dessert that will prove my efforts at the gym futile.

It was kind of neat that when people asked me how I was doing today, I could honestly say “ok.”