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| Mom and me last October, celebrating with Kassie and me for our birthday |
I've held it together really well today, but underneath, I’ve
been feeling really, really angry. This isn't new – I've been angry a lot in
the past several years, and especially during the past weeks. I've yelled at
people I love, I've gestured at frustrating drivers, and I’ve screamed into my
pillow until I didn't have a voice. I even threw a plate and watched it shatter
into hundreds of pieces while arguing with someone very dear to me.
I’d started to mellow over the past couple of weeks, but for
some reason, the past three days have been very frustrating and hard for me to
remain calm. I am not what you would call a “calm” person. I react to things
quickly and passionately. But I’ve never had a problem with my temper before. I
tend to become upset or sad rather than angry when things don’t go my way. But all I
know is that today I just want to scream and throw something heavy and
breakable into a brick wall.
Why?
Because it isn’t fair.
You can’t get more basic (or childish) than that.
Over the weekend, Max and I went and saw The Avengers for
the second time. He loves comic books and super hero movies. I love Thor/Chris Hemsworth.
There is a scene – and I don’t want to spoil it for anyone,
but if you haven’t seen it yet and plan to, that’s not my fault—where Captain America
tells Dr. Banner/The Hulk, “Doc, I think now is the perfect time to get angry.”
Banner responds with, “That’s my secret, Cap; I’m always angry.”
That exchange has stuck with me. I’m not saying that I’m
going to turn into The Hulk, but there are times when my rage swells and I feel
the possibility.
I am angry that I can’t go out to lunch at Einstein Brothers
with my mom. I’m angry that I can’t text her that Lindsay and Matt are having a
girl, that JC Penney is going back to their original “sales all the time”
format, that I want to start a business, that I miss her, that Murphy is healing
really well... I’m so, so angry that she hasn’t been here for Kassie’s
graduation, ordination, new house, and first Sunday at her new church, and won’t
be here for her wedding. I want to scream when I think that she won’t be here
to give us advice about children or marriage. I want to break things when I
think about my father retiring in a few years and not being able to share it
with my mom.
None of it is fair, and right now I feel that I’ll probably
always be angry.
Kourtney, I'm so proud of you for putting all these feelings down into words... It's such a good way to.get them off your chest.
ReplyDeleteI've just passed the 2 year mark without my mom, and I still have really rough moments when I think about all the things she won't be here for, like my own wedding someday. I grew up without grandparents, and it aches to know that my own kids will never know what an awesome lady she was. Baby showers are hard. Family birthdays are hard. But I strive every day to remember that she's still here... She's inside of me, at the very core of who I am, and who she raised me to be.
Your mom is in you too, Kourt. She always will be.
Love you, sister.
~Amber K.
Amber,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I've been thinking of you often. Our moms are always with us, just not in the way we wish they could be.
Love you,
Kourtney